


Who Wants to Live Forever

by qupecupid



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: 1990s, Backstory, College, F/M, Flashbacks, Pre-Canon, Tragic Romance, Vampires, unfinished?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 08:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15384426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qupecupid/pseuds/qupecupid
Summary: What happened before Fiona mad Nicodemus broke up and why because I love angsty 90s vampires and absolutely tragic romance





	1. Chapter 1

September, 1997

 

FIONA 

 

I just got back from the hospital. Natasha got discharged today. She powered through childbirth in a matter of hours. No one was surprised. Malcolm cried, he’s such a softie. I think that’s why she married him. 

After the baby was born, I practically knocked down the hospital door with presents and things. Tasha laughed at me. Said she’d never seen her punk loser sister with so many flowers. They decided to name him Tyrannus Basilton. I have no idea why it’s a ridiculous name. Everyone’s got to have a ridiculous name I suppose. He’s such a sweet baby, too. Gold skin like Tasha. Stern eyes even for a newborn. He looked at me with so much judgment I laughed. When I left Tasha and Malcolm were cooing over him. I think they love him more than they love each other, which is really saying something. 

When I get back to my flat I kick off my boots and collapse. I took three hours worth of notes today and my hand’s still bloody cramped. 

I get a call from Ebb. She’s taking a gap year. She’s in Ireland right now, I think. It’s lovely hearing from her. She’s really coming out of her she’ll lately. I hope she keeps it up, maybe gets a girlfriend. She could finally get her life going. 

She wants to know how Nicky’s doing, as if she doesn’t call him every fucking day. She cried at the prospect of leaving him in London even just for a few months. She’s such a baby. Bless her. 

We chat and then she has something mundane she had to go do that she sounds absolutely thrilled about. We hang up. I think about going to Nicky’s. I look at what I’m wearing. Short black dress, long bell sleeves. High socks, silver necklace. I should definitely go to Nicky’s. Can’t waste an outfit this good by leaving it on all evening.

 

FIONA 

 

Nicky and I have been dating for three years. Sometimes I think about getting married but we agree that marriage is an institution and what are we doing if not rebelling. I say as I go to a major university. 

Nicky’s not in school. He’s gotten some middle of the road job. He’s a deadbeat. I love him for it. I could support the both of us anyway, if I finish my degree.

I take the underground to his flat, it’s not far. I climb the three flights of stairs I've gotten used to over the summer and knock on his door. I know he’ll be home. He opens the door. 

“Hallo, love.” He smiles at me. 

“Hello, handsome.” 

He gives me a peck on the cheek. 

“Want to get dinner?”

“Let me get my coat.”

—

We get food the chip shop on the corner. We walk to the record store, try to find the worst, most obscure music we can. We nearly get kicked out for dropping the framed and signed Buzzcocks album, but we know the manger and he just scolds us. I’m looking for Germ-Free Adolescents by the X-Ray Spex but I don’t find it. Nicky buys an Fugazi single with money he doesn’t have. We go to a pub. We laugh and tease and hold hands and kiss. He’s a scruffy loser and he’s all mine. 

I wish I could stay nineteen forever.

It must be 2 am when we’re finally falling asleep in his bed. His room is all posters and dishes and dirty laundry. I think I saw a book on demons and vampires even. He has the weirdest shit. Finding my dress in the morning will be a feat. 

I have my head on his shoulder. He’s combing his fingers through my hair. I got it cut short a few weeks ago, and I was worried it made me look boyish, but he said he’d never seen me prettier. 

“Fiona?”

“Hm?”

“Would you ever want to live forever?”

I laugh. “Crowley, no. Don’t want to see all the people I love die without me. Why?”

“I was just thinking…”

He doesn’t say anything else on the subject. My stomach twinges so briefly I forget about it a moment later. 

“I love you, Fi.”

“I love you, too. Now go to sleep or I’ll smother you.” 

He chuckles. I told him once he looks like Sting, but he’s too scrappy for that. He’s the street Prince Charming to my posh princess. It’s my favorite cliche. 

That was the last time I ever fell asleep in his arms. 

—

 

FIONA

 

He makes me pancakes. They’re tasteless and soggy but I love them anyway. Then I have class. He kisses me goodbye. We make plans for lunch, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not really paying attention. I try not to think about it. I remember the feeling I had last night. He wouldn’t cheat on me. Would he? Everything was fine twenty minutes ago. He made me pancakes. I’ll just focus on that. 

Nothing much happens in class, we watch a documentary. More notes. I’ll get carpal tunnel if this keeps up. Tasha said no one graduates from uni without some sort of studying related injury. After class I head to this little cafe just off campus.

We had said twelve forty-five. At one thirty I give up. I find a payphone and ring his flat, then his work. No ones seen him. The feelings back. The deep twinge. Where the fuck is he? He’s never stood me up before. Ever. Is he ok? Did something happen? I call Ebb. She hasn’t heard from him since yesterday. Fuck. I take a deep breath. He’s probably fine. He probably forgot or…

But he wouldn’t forget. 

I’ll be late for my next class. 

—

I want to call Natasha but she’s just had a fucking baby. She told me she had to get stitches and I nearly vomited so now I’m sure I’ll never have kids. I’ll just buy candy for Baz when he has the teeth for it. Take him to out to get burgers and concerts and things like that. That’s what aunts do. Would Nicky want kids anyway? 

Where the blazes is he? I’ve called nearly twenty times. At five I do call Tasha. She’s still in bed so Malcolm answers the phone. 

Malcolm’s never treated me like a little sister the way Tasha does, which is good, but sometimes I think he doesn’t trust me. It shows his good judgment. 

When I get on the line with Tasha she's breastfeeding. 

“Progressive.” I say. 

“I’m a progressive person.” She defends. 

“About everything but magic.”

“Which is against the mainstream at this point.” She sighs. “What’s wrong, darling?”

“It’s Nicky.” I hear her scoff. “He’s missing.”

“How long has he been quote ‘missing’?”

“This morning. We had breakfast-“

“At his flat?”

“Yes, at his flat. Stop prying.”

“It’s my job.” She laughs her musical, mocking laugh. “So you haven't seen him since breakfast?”

“We made plans for lunch but he didn’t show. He’s never done that before. I’m worried. I called his flat and his work.”

“Well if he doesn’t turn up by tomorrow morning I can pull some strings with the council. We'll find him. He’s probably just dropped acid again and forgot to tell you.”

“Maybe.” I’m doubtful. She can hear it in my voice. 

“Don’t worry, darling. He may be a complete layabout but he loves you. I wouldn’t let him near you if he didn’t.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too. See you on Sunday.”

She hangs up. 

I’ll go home and get some sleep. He has to turn up. He has to. 

—

 

FIONA

 

He doesn’t turn up. He’s officially missing now. I call Tasha and she seems worried, too. I call Ebb, who’s near tears with worry. She’s taking a boat back to London. 

“Do you have any idea what he could be doing, where he could be?”

“I… I shouldn’t tell you over the phone.”

“Shouldn’t tell me what? What the fuck is going on, Ebb?”

“Please don’t yell, Fiona. I’ll be there in a few hours. I’ll tell you everything, I promise, just not over the phone.”

He’s dead. Or he’s cheated. Which is worse? Fuck, everything was totally fine yesterday. Then Nicky started with his weird questions and far off look and now he’s missing. 

“EBENEZA I-“ 

She hangs up on me, the little shit. 

I throw the phone down onto my bed. I throw myself onto the bed. I grab a pillow and hug it against my chest. I screw my eyes shut. 

Where is he?

—

Ebb shows up at my flat at 5pm, true to her word. 

“Ebb, what the f-“

She pushes me inside urgently. 

“Fiona I have to tell you something.”

“I got that.” I hiss. I’m angrier than I meant to be. I think I scare her a little. 

“Just sit down.” She looks more distressed than I’ve ever seen her. 

I sit down heavily at my kitchen table. She sits across from me. 

“Has Nicky said anything to you about…” she inhales “immortality?”

I feel my stomach twist again. 

“It was just, like, a passing comment-“

Ebb’s face falls. 

“Why?” What in the bloody fucking hell is going on?

“He’s been talking to me a lot about… vampires.”

I laugh out loud, I can’t help it. 

“Vampires? Really, Ebb? You think he’s run off and joined a vampire gang?” 

“Yes.” She says very quietly. 

I lean back in my chair, exasperated. I laugh again, but not with any emotion. 

“Ebb, it’s 5 on a Thursday. I saw him yesterday morning. He made me pancakes! He went to work! And you think he’s a vampire now? That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not.” Ebb’s looking at her hands. “He… he wants to be immortal, Fiona. He said he found away. Said he wants me to go with him and… cross over.”

“He wants you to fucking  _ what _ ?”

“I know it sounds crazy but-“

“You’re right. It’s sounds crazy. I’ll call Tasha. They’ve probably found him tripping balls in a parking lot and everything will be fine.”

“Don’t call.” Ebb says very quickly. 

“What? Wh-“

“If you call and she finds him first they’ll kill him on the spot.”

“Ebb, you can't really think-“

“Fiona you know him almost as well as I do! Tell me he wouldn’t do something like this.”

I want to. But I can’t. 

 

Nineteen forever. 

 

I remember that book in his room. 

“He had this book. In his room. About vampires and things.”

Ebb stands up very quickly, knocking the table a bit. “Then we’ll go there. It could be a clue.”

“Aleister Crowley, this is not scooby doo. My boyfriend is fucking missing.”

“Yeah well he’s my brother so get up.”

—

I checked round his flat earlier, but no one was home. Now, I use my spare key to get in and start searching. 

I said the only way if believe her is if we got some solid proof. So we dive around in the mess of his room until I find the book. It’s called VAMPYRE in big, old-looking letters. It smells awful. 

“Here.” I say. 

We plop down onto his bed and I crack the book open. And it’s full of his handwriting. Notes upon notes upon notes about vampires. Scrawled in the margins and under titles. Things about blood and science and magic. So much magic. I always knew he was powerful but this… this looks like defying a natural phenomenon. This looks like immortality. 

I don’t say anything. I can’t. 

“Do you believe me now?” Ebb says. Not like she’s won, but like she’s lost. 

I put a hand over my mouth. 

Nicky, what have you done?

 

EBB

 

I wish I didn’t have to tell Fiona all this. I wish it wasn’t happening. I can see her fighting tears. She would rather be angry than sad.

I think about what Nicky said to me in the phone. 

“You should come to London.”

“I’m fine here.”

“No, you don’t understand. I’ve solved it. Ebb, I figured it out.”

“Figured what out?”

“How to live forever.”

“Nicky, you’re scaring me.”

“Just listen, Ebb, we could have it all. The best of both worlds. Fiona wouldn’t understand, but I knew you would. Come with me. Cross over. Tonight.  Please.”

“I don’t understand.” I lied. I’m a terrible liar. He knows that. 

“Yes you do. You know what I’ve been talking about. Been talking about it for months.”

Vampires. 

“I- I have to go.” I hung up on him. 

I have that feeling I always get when Nicky’s in trouble, only it started yesterday and it’s settled into a dull throb in my head. It hurt like getting stabbed last night and then it just dulled. I thought maybe it was a dream. 

 

_ Come with me… please.  _

 

I think we might already be too late. 

 

FIONA 

 

I stand up, letting the book fall back into the pile of debris. I grab my coat from the bed and make for the door. 

“Fiona, where are you going?”

“Fuck off, Ebb.”

“Wait, we need to find him!” I can hear the hurt in her voice. 

“I know. That’s what I’m doing.”

“Then let me come with you!”

“No.” I slam the door behind me. She’ll come after me. I have to get there first. She told me he asked her to join him. The two of them together; they’re twins, aren’t they? Inseparable. I need to get him alone. 

I have no idea where to go, but I have to start somewhere. I head back to my to call Tasha. I don’t know if I’m going to ask for help or head her off. I don’t know whose side I’m on. Maybe I won’t call.  I’m on the last couple of stairs when I hear the floorboards creak. I freeze. 

“Fiona?”

It’s Nicky. Relief washes over me it’s Nicky. And all this vampire nonsense is probably just that: nonsense. He’ll have some totally reasonable explanation and we can just calm everything down and get some sleep. It will all be fine. I get to the landing. He’s back lit, so I can’t see his face but it’s definitely him, and he has flowers. Roses. 

“Nicky.” I sigh. “Thank the gods. Where were you? We’ve all been worried sick. Eb started babbling about vampires and- what’s wrong?”

He looks… off. Pale and drawn. Cold. 

“Nicky? What’s happened?” I take a step toward him. 

“Fiona I…”

“Spit it out! What’s going on? Are you high? Did you cheat on me? Is that it?”

“No. I- 

“Nicky please,” I stand just in front of him, a hand on his chest. I press my other hand to his cheek. He’s so bloody cold. “Just tell me.”

He pulls forward into the lamp light. And he’s pale as snow. Dark circles under his eyes. He looks like he’s been through hell and back. It takes my brain a moment to process his lips. His lips are too pink. More like red. More like something that makes me  recoil violently. 

“Fiona, don’t-“

“What did you do _? _ ” I feel sick. I feel like if been slapped. I think I can feel my heart breaking. 

He breathes more shallow and I’m torn between anger and terror. He shouldn’t have come here. “Nicky, what did you  _ do _ ?” I practically scream at him. 

“Fiona, wait-“ 

I don’t wait. I run. I turn and sprint back down the stairs. He drops the roses and runs after me. I climb back out into the freezing night air and try to remember where the hell I parked. 

“Fiona, wait!”

He’s calling after me. Fuck him. Fuck him for ruining this. I don’t believe this is happening, I can’t-

He grabs my shoulder to pull me around. I smack his hand away and round on him. 

“You piece of shit!” I yell. 

“Fiona, I can explain.”

“I don’t want you to!” 

“This is good-“

“How?” I screech. “How is this good? Fucking- you know, I didn’t believe Ebb when she told me vampires. I would believe acid. I would believe fucking cocaine. I would believe you dragged your sorry arse into a normal gang. I was ready to believe you cheated on me. Or that you had fucking died. But this.” I feel my hand cold on my hot face. “This is so much worse.”

He reaches for me “Fiona, this will all be-“ 

“Don’t fucking touch me. And don’t say my name. It’s not yours to say.”

“You don’t understand.” He looks angry like he’s trying to hide how desperate he is. His eyes always betray him. “I have it all now. Magic, power. I can live forever, Fiona. With you. Ebb won’t come with me. But you can.”

“No. I can’t.” My voice breaks. “Because your not ‘with me’ now. And you’re dead. You’re a vampire, Nicky.”

The words scrape out of my mouth.

“You’re a monster.” I turn to walk away. 

“Fiona-“

I pull out my wand. 

“ **_Back off._ ** ”

I can feel the magic twist in my stomach. My mother always told me magic was more powerful with heartbreak. Cathartic, really. Unfair. 

He stumbles backwards and nearly falls. 

He presses forward with a “ **_Cut the crap._ ** ” And holds me with a “ **_Wait right there._ ** ”

I grit my teeth. “ **_I’ve got to break free!_ ** ”

I try to keep walking but he grabs my arm. 

“ **_Stop in the name of love!”_ **

Fuck that. He knows I still love him. He would use it against me. Fury takes over my words as I cast 

“ **_Burn, baby, burn.”_ **

He tears away from me as my arm burns in his grasp. I can’t believe I would hurt him like that. I can’t believe he would hurt me like this. He shakes off the blisters with a 

“ **_Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”_ **

“Stay back.” No magic this time. I just pray he listens to me. He could beat me, I know. He isn’t really trying. Or maybe the vampires really did a number on him. 

“Please, Nicky. Just go.”

He extends his wand and opens his mouth but I cut him off. 

**_“Total eclipse of the heart._ ** ”

I see him break under the weight of those words. I see the pain in his eyes. My pain. I’ve never cast total eclipse before. It's a heartbreaker. It gives your pain away. And It’s one of the cruelest spells out there. He looks down. Then he looks back up at me. 

“Fiona?” He sinks to his knees. No one can stay standing after that. Tears are streaming down his face. At least now he knows. Knows just how I feel. Fuck him. Fuck him for breaking my heart. 

“ **_Out like a light._ ** ” 

And he collapses forward into my arms.

 

EBB

 

When I get downstairs Fiona’s already gone. I know she’s gone back to her flat. I love her, but in a crisis she’s nothing without her sister. She’s going to call. So I get to her flat fast as I can. But out in the quiet street, in the drizzle, I find her. Nicky’s passed out in her arms. She’s crying. They’ve had a row. She won. She didn’t want to. 

 

FIONA 

 

I’m sitting in my big sisters office when i realize I’ll never speak to Nicky again. Everything happened so fast, I’m not sure I’ll ever get a grasp on it. Two days ago I was living a charmed life. I was in love. I was happy. 

Now I think a hole’s been blown in my chest. A gap. Everything that was there is gone. Or maybe it’s just had nothinginess added. 

My magic spiked in power last night. Now it’s a dull thrum. Natasha says I’ll be fine, and in the back of my head I know I will, but nothing feels fine. Because I can still see his baby blue eyes filling with tears as he says my name. Like he doesn’t know if I love him. And I do. I want to find him, to run to him and kiss him and tell him everything will be alright. But it won’t. Because he’s a vampire now. Because I still love him. 

 

There are roses on my doorstep. Wilting. 

—

They’re striking his name. Natasha cane to get me for it. Said I should be there. Everything’s hazy at the edges. I haven’t spoken to Ebb at all. I don’t know if she’ll be mad at me for not letting her talk to him before everything went to shit. I don’t know if I’m mad at me. Tasha takes me to a room with a judge and Ebb and a load of books. They have a book out in front of them, and I see his name, right next to his birthday. 

 

Nicodemus Edmund Petty

 

It hurts a bit to read his name. 

Then the judge gets out a golden pen and hands it Natasha. She says something to Ebb. Ebb extends her staff a bit. She’s crying. She hasn’t stopped since she found us. Nicky and I. 

With a quick, elegant line, Natasha crosses his name off. The words flicker off the page and into the air. I think for a moment they’ll fade like ash but then Ebb pulls them to her staff and they disappear. I look back down. There’s a blank line where his name used to be. Right under Ebb’s. Like he never existed. It would be so much easier if that were true. 


	2. BONUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought was gonna make this longer but I lost the brain train so here’s a cute moment with Natasha and Baz because they deserve some time together

NATASHA 

 

I wish I could say I knew that Petty boy was trouble but I didn’t. I wish I could say I always have my sisters best interests at heart but I don’t. I have to have everyone’s best interests at heart now. Especially my little Baz. Bless him. He’s been my confidant this whole time. I find myself talking to him endlessly even though he hasn’t even started babbling yet. I get the sense that he knows what I’m talking about. He’s precious. And he’s brilliant, I can see it in his eyes. He is my son, after all. I have to go talk to Fiona. It’s been three days since the striking and she isn’t answering my calls. I’m in my study, cradling Baz. I bounce up and down on my toes as I talk to him. 

“I should have known. Should have known - he was always so power hungry. Yes, I know it’s hypocritical of me to say that. I’m aware of it though. And I would never my ambition hurt someone I loved.” 

Baz blinks at me. I sigh. Because I’m hurting Fiona, aren’t I? 

“Hypocrisy again.”

I look at my baby very sternly and say:

“Never fall for anyone that would chose power over you. I don’t want you to go getting your heart broken into pieces over some measly girl. Or boy I suppose. It’s the nineties, Basilton. I’m trying to be progressive, you must understand.”

He blinks again. 

“Eventually, you’re going to be a teenager and have big feelings and I’m going to have to figure out how to help you. And believe me, I will, but I wish you would just stay cute and tiny forever. This whole nonsense is far too much for us, you and I.”

He reaches for my face, stretching his chubby fingers apart. 

I made this. I’m fantastic. So is Malcolm. But it was mostly me. I kiss his forehead. Babies really do smell like magic. Then I think about the whole ordeal again and sigh.

“I have to go talk to her, don’t I?”

He garbles a little. 

That means yes. 

Shit. 

**Author's Note:**

> MY FIRST FIC HIT 1000 IM CRYING. I love you guys so much thank you for this. This is the last Carry On fic for a while cause I got neck deep in Detroit: Become Human so expect some of that. But hey I love Buffy the Vampore Slayer so of course I would write something like this. Thank you again for reading and for everything. Love,  
> Stella
> 
> P. S. This is super rough cause I wrote it and forgot about it so if you see any discrepancies feel free to comment<3


End file.
